Question: How do I know when problems at home are more than just normal relationship problems?
Answer: Every relationship has problems. People get mad, argue about money, disagree about kids, get their feelings hurt, and sometimes say things they wish they could take back. A bad argument doesn't automatically mean you're in an abusive relationship. What matters is the pattern.
In a healthy relationship, you should be able to disagree, say no, spend time with friends or family, and have your own opinions without worrying that you’ll pay for it later. You might argue, but eventually somebody cools down. There can be an apology, a compromise or at least a conversation.
However, things start looking different when one person has to constantly manage the other person’s mood. It can become a habit to watch their face when they walk through the door just to figure out what kind of night it’s going to be. Certain subjects get avoided because they’ll start a fight, clothes get changed to prevent accusations about wanting attention, and friendships slowly fall away because dealing with the jealousy afterward just isn’t worth it. After a while, keeping the peace can start shaping everyday choices without anyone even realizing how much has changed. Maybe you've gotten pretty good at keeping the peace.
Ask yourself something simple: Am I making normal choices, or am I making choices based on how my partner might react?
That's an important difference.
Domestic violence isn't limited to somebody getting hit. It can include physical or sexual violence, stalking and psychological aggression used to hurt or control a partner.
Control can involve money, phones, transportation, friends, family, sex, where you go or who you talk to. It can also look like threats, humiliation, constant accusations or making you question your own memory of what happened.
One disagreement isn't the issue. We're looking for a pattern where one person gains more control while the other person slowly gets less freedom.
And this applies to men and women.
If you're wondering about your own relationship, don't feel like you have to immediately decide whether the word “abuse” fits. Start smaller.
Ask yourself: Do I feel safe being myself in my own home?
Can I disagree? Can I say no? Can I make ordinary decisions? Can I talk to people I care about? Can I make a mistake without being afraid of what happens next? If your answering “no” to these questions, then reach out for help.
Let’s face it; none of us were taught how relationships should work. There weren’t any classes in high school or at the community center. We learned by watching our environment. How did our parents interact with each other and the world around them? We normalized what we observed and carried it on into our own relationships. Once we start realizing that things might not be healthy, we are often already 10 feet in. That doesn’t mean you have to stay. And having kids doesn’t mean you have to stay. Kids are resilient, and they will be the first to tell you that they would rather be from a divorced family than to be raised in a household where their parents are constantly fighting or where abuse occurs.
Healthy relationships aren't perfect, but you shouldn't have to become smaller just to keep one together.
Do you need help? Call the San Miguel Resource Center at 970-728-5660. Another good place to start is the national hotline. Go to thehotline.org where you can find their number to call, chat, text and assure your safety.
Stay another day.
Do you need support or feel like you're in crisis? Call 988, 911, or for free, discreet in-home services, call 970-343-7880. Submit questions to mindmattersquestion@gmail.com.
